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Monday, March 7, 2011

Catch Me If You Can BlogFest!

I really love all these challenges and contests on blogger!

KayKay's Corner is hosting the 'Catch Me If You Can Blogfest'.  It's really simple to sign up for and it seems like it'll be a lot of fun.

Basically the idea is to get some critique back on your current WIP. So today, I'm going to be posting the first 550 words of (for lack of a better title at the moment) Vengeance.

Also one of the participants will get a $20 gift card to Amazon!  Come on, you know you want some feedback anyways!  Give it a try!



Vengeance
“It’s a bad idea,” Derek said for the third time. Each time he said it his Puerto Rican accent thickened.  “There are a lot of variables, which ups the risk.  We need to keep it simple."
               
Lucy rolled her pretty green eyes and sighed in annoyance.  “This is simple.  Look as soon as I over ride the codes and loop the video—“
                 
“I don’t speak geek,” He reminded her with a flat glare.

She turned back to her computer screen.  “You’d think after eighty seven years you’d have picked up more than just information on cars and women.”
                 
Derek leaned against the wall of the van and smirked.  “Chica, I think you just wish you had the skills I have with women.”
                  
I sat in the back of the van quietly.  They’d figure it out.  They always did.  Derek’s face twisted and contorted, his eyes shot little red lazer beams at Lucy.  I closed my eyes, willing the images to disappear.  I’d waited too long between burnings and the flame was pissed.  When I opened my eyes the images were still there.
                
 “This is efficient.”  Lucy said changing the subject. Her words jumped around my head like ping pong balls bouncing off the sides of my skulls.  I heard her, but I couldn’t quite comprehend it.  “It’ll get the job done better than a back alley grab where any witness could be lurking.  It’s a high tech age, get with the time wolf boy.”
                 
Derek huffed in annoyance but didn’t argue.  His laser eye beams narrowed and suddenly he turned towards me.  I flinched, expecting to get burned by the red lights, but they faded when he looked at me.  “You all right, Hails?”
                 
“Pretty lights can’t hurt me.”  Wait that wasn’t right.  Closing my eyes I shook my head as if that would get rid of the craziness.  After a moment I peaked with one eye. Derek’s olive features were sharp, with a square jaw and strong nose, and they weren’t moving around anymore.  A few strands of shaggy dark hair fell into his eyes. Taking that as a good sign I opened the other eye and said, “Yeah, what’s our status?”
                
 Lucy turned to her laptop. “Guards make their rounds every hour on the hour.”  She rolled her eyes.  “Think they could shake it up a little.  Not make it so easy on us.”  She scratched at her scalp underneath all the red, curly hair that was piled on top.  “The marks office is on the seventeenth floor, corner office on the west side.  Now, trying to get you into the elevators on the bottom floor is tricky, so you’re going to go in the side fire escape door and up to the first floor. Then –

“Lucy,” I said pinching the bridge of my nose.  She looked up at me questioningly, the freckles started dancing around on her nose and I suddenly had an urge to play connect the dots.  My chest grew warm.  The flame was anxious.  “Take a breath between sentences okay?”

***

So the actual word count is 507.  The next paragraph would have put me over.
I hope you enjoy, and this is just a first draft.  I've learned that if I constantly go back and edit I'll never finish it.  

Oh and my email is Sullys.scribbles@gmail.com for anyone who may want to do a longer critique!

18 comments:

Debra Ann Elliott said...

Stopping by from CMIUC. I want to read more. Just one suggestion about Derek. He's Puerto Rican and 87. You might want to change his name to reflect those facts.

Jen said...

I like this, but I'm a little confused. I'd like to know more about the mc. I feel like something is missing. Derek is the wolf right? You kind of lost me with the tech speak and back and forth.

Zan Marie said...

I'm a little confused by the POV, too. Who is this and what is the flame? Of course, it just might be that I need to keep reading. ; )

stu said...

Laser beam eyes? Literally or figuratively?

Sully's Scribbles said...

LOL to clear up some things since it's only the first couple paragraphs, she's hallucinating a lot of the extra bits, like the laser beam eyes and such.

Teralyn Rose Pilgrim said...

I would read more to clear up my confusion, but there really are some readers who will put a book down after only a few paragraphs (difficult to believe, I know).

The only other complaint I had is that at first, I thought it was third person with Lucy as the main character. The main character should be introduced in the first paragraph.

Tanya Reimer said...

I'm drawn to this story and would keep reading, oh yeah baby. Just let us know who's talking earlier on, because I thought it was 3rd person until that little me crept in there. Then I was at home again, but it feels as if it needs to come sooner. This is an incredible story, sounds fun. Of course, urban fantasy is my fav;)

dawnall said...

Clarity is important to the reader even if the situation needs to be obscure. Try to keep the reader grounded. Once the MC is clear, it's working for you. This should be clear early on. Thanks for sharing.

Sully's Scribbles said...

Thanks for the awesome feedback guys! I'm jotting down these points since I'm almost done writing it. I know it has a lot of work to be done.

Marie Rearden said...

Intrigued! Spy/werewold/mysterious flame thing intriqued. The only issue I see is that there isn't an event. Nothing builds to the end or crashes at the beginning.

I like the back and forth between the two non-MC, but I need something to rip out of the page and reel me in. :)

Otherwise, I'd keep reading. Thansk for sharing!

Marie, http://marierearden.blogspot.com

Alleged Author said...

I agree about the name and his being 87. However, I really liked this!

Francesca Amendolia said...

Tanya's point is well made - I too had to adjust my reading ears when the first-person narration became clear. Particularly if she's hallucinating, I reckon we need to know we're seeing things through her eyes first -- and somehow establish that she's not seeing exactly what's there. Hmmm. That's a toughie.

I do like the tension of the first few sentences -- the interplay of Lucy and Derek. I like that Lucy is the geek. There is neat stuff going on and I'd be interested in finding out more.

writesbymoonlight said...

I like paranormal (and men with accents) and am intrigued by this story. I'd keep reading. Only suggestion, slow the pacing a tiny tiny bit to provide a little more detail about what's going on with Hails. Also, this is a first person POV, but it's not clear right way so the sixth paragraph threw me for a minute.

Thanks for posting, Natasha Hanova

Heidi Windmiller said...

There are some really great descriptive words here that give me a clear picture of all the characters. I also struggled with the POV--starting with dialogue is something I always have difficulties with as a reader.

I like the set up and would certainly keep reading.

Witless Exposition said...

Really enjoyed it. I was thrown by the first mention of the laser lights, thinking it was figurative. Maybe throw in another line to let the reader know they're real. Would they hurt Lucy? Or maybe singe her clothes?

Madeline Bartos said...

I liked this! I like the relationship of Derek and Lucy, and how the MC is just taking it all in. I'm curious as to what they're doing - I'd definitely keep reading, you've got me hooked! :D

Kristina Fugate said...

Like the others, I was confused with the POV. When first person snuck in on me, I stumbled a bit. I'd try to make it clear a little sooner we're in first person. And that the MC is hallucinating. I was so confused by the laser eye thing.

I'd definitely keep reading though. I'm very interested in finding out where all this is going and why the MC is seeing things.

Thanks for sharing!

Zan Marie said...

Hi,

I've given you two awards at my blog. Check it out.

Zan Marie

www.intheshadeofthecherrytree.blogspot.com

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